Obviously there are spoilers

This recap written “live” while watching.

I chose Yohn Royce, Beric Dondarrion, Brienne, and Gilly in my office Game of Thrones deadpool for this episode.

They showed a lot of mini previews of all the HBO shows that look better than Game of Thrones.

“Previously on…” doesn’t exist. but that’s fine, because previously was just prelude anyways.

On with the idiocy!

The credits showed the Winterfell crypt, so I assume everyone is going to die there, too.

Is it fighty time yet? Everyone looks terribly tense. There’s hand-wringing, shouting, intense walking. Oh, and Bran stares because that’s what Bran does.

Sansa still looks rock in her black leather and stuff. And they actually paid for enough Unsullied extras this season. They seem to have put a lot of people outside the castle, which seems to undermine the reason for having a castle.

Where did Melisandre go again, I forgot? But she’s doing magicky stuff. Flaming…not sword things (arakhs, right?).

Melisandre has Melisandre in her office dead pool.

And now, maybe it actually is fighty time.

Wouldn’t bows have been a good idea?

Rather than a cavalry charge with the flaming arakhs, feels like mounted archers with obsidian arrowheads coulda been a way to go. But not as cool for the CGI.

Dothraki flaming swords have no staying power. I mean, as ineffective charges go, that was pretty high up there.

On the plus side, the enemy might be the first effective zombies in history. It did for a moment look like half the office dead pool were gonna die in a nanosecond, but then it was time for Neverending Story again. Didn’t Jon get really good at flying a dragon in like one practice session?

Stick ‘em with the pointy end

A battle so dramatic that you can’t actually see who’s fighting who. Whatever his name is getting stabbed to death immediately after saving Sam was about as predictable a trope as was possible.

Oh, I tell a lie, Jon didn’t get super good at flying dragons. He just flew into that tree, and then crashed into Dany. That would have been amusingly anticlamtic.

Anyways…run the fuck away! Though, will the zombies be like the ones that climbed over Jerusalem’s walls in World War Z?

Props for, for once, GoT showing an effective formation in action. Although I’m not quite sure how every named character who’s in the front rank of all these formations seems to be surviving.

Mel always was a Johnny Cash fan.

Now the white walkers are channeling Children of the Corn.

Meanwhile, in the crypt…

Varys with the punning. Tyrion with the quipping. Sansa and Tyrion having a moment, and then another example of “we need to tell you how great Dany is…tell, not show…”

I’m going to go now

Bran and the rolly eyes. Oh, look, there’s the zombie ice dragon.

Well, yes, if you’ve got a flame ditch that’s three inches wide, then obviously a couple of zombies falling into it will make a bridge. And they only have about a zillion zombies.

…and now they remember they have bows and arrows?

No, Jon. The Night King has mastered complex maneuvers like hovering, and you just flew into a tree.

Oh, they totally are doing the Jerusalem from World War Z thing.

Dramatic tunes!

Arya even gets her own music for her cool spinny weapon thing. And…hark…contrast her with a frozen-by-fear Hound.

Davos is just “what…the…fuck?”

Anyhow, there was a giant. And they gave little Lyanna a little “die to kill the big thing” death scene.

Also, did Arya lose her cool new weapon in like a second and a half?

That was some of the best flying I’ve ever see, right up to the point where you died…

You never leave your wing man.

Also, what have they been doing for the last fifteen minutes other than some flying ballet?

Visit your local library

Why are there a few zombies just browsing in the stacks? A break from being undead so that they can read a good book.

Hodor, hodor, hodor! Oh…wait.

Actually, the people down in the crypt might have benefitted from a few books to read, rather than just brooding.

+10 dead pool points for me.

Cue sad music and death scene. Bye bye Beric, for a pretty minor character you were OK.

Arya Stark, child of destiny!

Meanwhile, back at the big tree

“Make every shot count” would have been cool advice to give on the wall.

Also, stop waiting until people are literally two feet away before thinking to use bows.

Meanwhile, back in the sky

That’s why you have a wingman. Dany does something useful for one of the first times ever (although let’s give Drogon most of the credit).

Bet you a million dollars that dragon fire doesn’t kill the night king.

Thanks, I’ll take that million dollars.

Jon Snow has a tendency to run in a straight line towards things and then getting completely surrounded, doesn’t he?

Can we have a Sean Bean cameo?

Wasn’t this literally the most predictable thing ever, that all the dead would rise?

And in the crypt, of course (that’s why I had Gilly in the dead pool).

Oh, and well done Dany, apparently you just tried to get Drogon killed through basic lack of awareness.

But…Khaleeeeeeeesi! Where did he come from?

I thought that dragon was dead. Who’s dead and who’s alive at this point?

Stare vs stare

“Bye, dead Theon”…stare…thanks Bran.

Why do they all do the “charge straight at someone like an idiot” thing to show heroism?

Is the slow walk just so that there’s enough time to have death scenes and stuff for other people?

Jon vs the zombie dragon…you need “Accio Broomstick!”

Oh shit, the Night King made Bran look away first. That’s some supernatural level staring.

But then ARYA, FOR THE WIN! (That was super cool)

Bye, Jorah. And not even a final groan of “Khaleesi”. And bye to Melisandre, who gets her ten points from her death pool.

Next week

Cersei all set up to kill everyone. And everyone to try and kill Cersei.

But in the sunshine, now.

(Incidentally, for all that I think Game of Thrones is often ridiculous, this was an oustanding episode and a really good twist on how I thought the Night King stuff was gonna get wrapped up)