Obviously there are spoilers

This recap written “live” while watching.

I have Yohn Royce in my office Game of Thrones deadpool for this episode.

I like that there is no episode title on HBO NOW, merely “Ep 2: Game of Thrones 69”. Though, given some of the show’s proclivities, this may just be an episode title.

“Previously on…” - marching people. Jon, you’re Aegon, you’ve been screwing auntie. Death look from Sansa. You’re not my queen Dany! Jaime stare off with the most boring Stark (one of Westeros' most hotly contested awards categories).

On with the idiocy!

Straight to a trial, I suppose. Dany, your father was a fantasy medieval land Donald Trump. I am so ridiculously over Dany. Sansa was at least more than a newborn when Jaime roughed up her father.

Big thumbs up for Brienne. And, look, Dany, this is what happens when you’re smart enough to take on board new evidence.

“What does the Warden of the North say about it?” was a very “do what you’re told, fuckboy” type question. But, then, she doesn’t know that he knows that he’s a) her nephew and b) the “rightful” (see last week for how stupid the idea of legitimacy is in this series) heir.

(If they are putting together a “Dany turns out like her dad” genuine heel turn, Emilia Clarke is doing ok)

We don’t need an Arya shipping thing

Seriously, Arya and Gendry can be friends. Can we keep it that way?

What are White Walkers like? They’re like a million other zombie armies you’ve seen in a million terrible movies.

Knife skillz.

Could he throw him out the window again?

Getting thrown out of a window is the most interesting thing Bran ever did.

Brothers back together

Tyrion does seem to have funnier lines when he’s in Winterfell. Although he’s much less interesting since he became another member of Dany’s entourage. And is he convinced that Dany is different? Last time he saw Jaime was just before he’d seen her burn some prisoners alive, so….

He’s terribly gloomy. Jaime’s like the witty, cheery one now…

Khaleesiiiiiiii…

Hadn’t heard it in a little while from Jorah.

I think his more subtle advice was “learn from your own mistakes, khaleesiiiiii”.

Sansa looks fucking badass. Black armor and chains and shit. And throwing a little light shade at fake queen. You’re at odds because…“I have dragons” is not a guide to leadership.

Don’t get too soppy, Sansa, though. #YouWouldBeABetterQueen

…oh, good, you totally didn’t. Yeah, what about the fucking north? Look, even tortured eunuchs will travel across the land to serve you. People used to do that for Dany, too.

You remind me of a girl

Don’t cry Davos!

If it fighty time yet?

Remember, Game of Thrones does good cinema, dumb plot. But I suppose we need to get past some more plot about the battle before the actual battle.

Props to whichever peon put the tactical map together. “Here’s our formations, and here’s a billion zombies.”

If I wanted to erase the world of men I might start with Bran too, just to make things more interesting in the interim. Couldn’t even answer the useful question; “does dragonfire work, man who’s the memory of the world, apparently?” “buggered if I know”.

The Night King strategy is straight up lifted from Edgar and Alan Frog.

Grey Worm thankful that Missandei’s answer to “what do you want to do?” wasn’t “have kids”.

Sam, killing it with the comebacks on a (not the) wall.

Battle pre-gaming

Some random blahness for Jaime and Tyrion. Has Pod put on weight?

Tormund, though, we do love you.

Oh, jeez, we really are doing all the “quiet conversations and comings together before the battle” stereotypical scenes.

Yep, damn right Arya, let’s move on. Please can we fight now? Nope…we can’t.

Oh, laaaaaaaame. I mean, better than sitting on the wall with the Hound and whatshisface, and glad it was all about Arya being in control. But, still.

Please can we fight now? There are only six episodes in this season, right?

Which of Arya using Gendry for sex, or Brienne kneeling to get knighted, counts more towards Westerosi feminism?

Oh, they both got trumped by little lady Lyanna.

Still battle pre-gaming

Sam, do you know how much that sword is worth?! Lannisters will pay crazy amounts of crowns for that.

Pod…better than Ed Sheerin. Quiet, reflective montage. Eunuch longing…Arya reflection…different eunuch longing…

…and we STILL aren’t ready to fight.

Has Jon put on weight, too? Looks a little jowlier.

“So…this was my mom. Your stepmom. There’s actually a funny story…”

Is that the first time someone has actually called Dany “Dany” in show (rather than just everyone else abbreviating it)?

Oh, fucking finally…

Fighty time!

Seriously, that’s the fucking episode?

Next week…

All the fucking fighting they pretended last week was going to happen this week.

“Inside the show”

Is there some reason why Brienne and Jaime’s relationship needs to be romantic, and not just respectful? Especially when the fact that it’s romantic needs to be explained by the show’s writers after the show.